I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
