I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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