He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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