She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
