Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Drunk is a universal language darling
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
