My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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