dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
