If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
