Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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