Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
