then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
