I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
