Your dad touched me again.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
There's even glitter on my cock...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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