My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
