dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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