Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
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Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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