ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
