Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
