Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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