Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
