Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
