***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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