So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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