FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
