in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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