wanna go halves on a baby?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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