Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
