Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
