The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
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By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
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I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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