I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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