I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
