Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
