mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
