my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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