The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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