If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
