I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
