oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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