I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
