The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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