i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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