you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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