The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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