So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Less talking, more tequila
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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