the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
