Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
