I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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