i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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