sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
