Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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