Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
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