On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
