sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
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Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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