My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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