saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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