I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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