seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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