I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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