just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
